Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Cream of the Crap

Welcome to an entirely accurate and not-at-all subjective list of the worst songs ever recorded to vinyl... The list could, and will, go on and on but for the moment here's the cream of the crap, so to speak...

Note: They're in order of age, not in order of horribleness. Note also that 1985 was apparently the worst year in history. George Orwell was off by a year. All of them are links to pages that exhume the songs in detail.
  1. "Johnny Get Angry" by Joanie Sommers (1962)
  2. "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys (1965)
  3. "Iko Iko" by the Dixie Cups (1965)
  4. "Mrs Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter" by Herman's Hermits (1965)
  5. "Petunia, the Gardener's Daughter" by Elvis Presley (1966)
  6. "The Black Angel's Death Song" by the Velvet Underground (1967)
  7. "Helter Skelter" by the Beatles (1968)
  8. "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap (1968)
  9. "Free Your Mind and Your Ass Will Follow" by Funkadelic (1970)
  10. "Coconut" by Harry Nilsson (1971)
  11. "Mercedes Benz" by Janis Joplin (1971)
  12. "My Ding-a-Ling" by Chuck Berry (1972)
  13. "Squeeze Box" by the Who (1975)
  14. "Lay Down Sally" by Eric Clapton (1977)
  15. "Dreadlock Holiday" by 10cc (1978)
  16. "No One is Innocent" by Ronnie Biggs and the Sex Pistols (1978)
  17. "Breakfast in America" by Supertramp (1979)
  18. "What's Your Name?" by Depeche Mode (1981)
  19. "China Girl" by David Bowie (1983)
  20. "Born in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteen (1984)
  21. "Illegal Alien" by Genesis (1984)
  22. "Addicted to Love" by Robert Palmer (1985)
  23. "Tears are Not Enough" by Northern Lights (1985)
  24. "Walk of Life" by Dire Straits (1985)
  25. "Girls" by the Beastie Boys (1986)
  26. "Hip to be Square" by Huey Lewis and the News (1986)
  27. "Bullet the Blue Sky" by U2 (1987)
  28. "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega (1987)
  29. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin (1988)
  30. "Got My Mind Set on You" by George Harrison (1988)
  31. "One in a Million" by Guns 'n' Roses (1988)
  32. "How am I Supposed to Live Without You" by Michael Bolton (1989)
  33. "I Love You" by Vanilla Ice (1990)
  34. "Barbie Girl" by Aqua (1997)
  35. "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (the Angry American)" by Toby Keith (2002)
  36. "American Life" by Madonna (2003)
  37. "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani (2005)
  38. "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas (2005)
  39. "We are the World 25 for Haiti" by Artists for Haiti (2010)
Please feel free, of course, to click on any one for a Youtube clip (if you have any terrorists you want to torture) and for a sometimes-lengthy explanation of just what makes the song so ear-bleedingly awful. And also, of course, feel free to check in later as this list grows. So that you could fill entire playlists with songs that even make Celine Dion gag with disgust...

Note: if you need something to cure your aching stomach after this blog, I also keep a blog of the best songs out there. It contains the following:

  1. "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" by the Shirelles (1960)
  2. "96 Tears" by ? and the Mysterians (1966) 
  3. "Hot Burrito #1" by the Flying Burrito Brothers (1969)
  4. "Lodi" by Creedence Clearwater Revival (1969)
  5. "If I Were Your Woman" by Gladys Knight and the Pips (1970)
  6. "A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell (1971)
  7. "Curley Locks" by Junior Byles (1974) 
  8. "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" by Elton John (1975)
  9. "Marquee Moon" by Television (1977) 
  10. "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders (1979)
  11. "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins (1981)
  12. "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners (1982)
  13. "Temptation" by New Order (1982) 
  14. "They Don't Know" by Tracey Ullman (1983)
  15. "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues (1987)  
  16. "Pump Up the Volume" by M/A/R/R/S (1987)
  17. "Troy" by Sinéad O'Connor (1987)
  18. "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos" by Public Enemy (1989)
  19. "My Jolie Louise" by Daniel Lanois (1989)
  20. "Groove is in the Heart" by Deee-Lite (1990)
  21. "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" by P.M. Dawn (1991)
  22. "Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows (1994)
  23. "All that I Got is You" by Ghostface Killah feat. Mary J. Blige (1996)
  24. "Born Slippy .NUXX" by Underworld (1996)
  25. "Ojos Asi" by Shakira (1999)
  26. "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue (2001) 

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